<THOUGHTS

Happily Ever After / Rejection
September 16 2013

A Story about the pain of being an egg donor to make horrible hideous hybrids of the Bighead batch, and the horrors of Aliens trying to force me to maternally bond with hybrid children when those contacts also involve forced sexual contact. How I reject those hybrids, and how much it hurts. But above all, what hurts the most is when I cause harm to my Dragon Turtle Hamish, who means the world to me.

This page is only for adults.

Hamish, would you like to listen to... rustic music? - me
Yes-No. - Hamish

So I put on the headphones and turn on the classical music only for me to hear, and Hamish stands behind my back on the pink bathroom rug I have placed out for him, stomping his feet on the rug in darkness, thinking about his life. The first song playing on the radio channel is David Nevue, Happily Ever After, so I name this page after that, suitable title.

Earlier:
Hamish, are you alright? - me
Leave me alone, I said. - said Dragon

Cacophony and Rejection

The prelude to this story is that me and the Aliens had what the Thubans like to call "cacophony". A major upset. It started with I was sitting here by the computer and Hamish starts showing me tiny little developing embryos. I know what those embryos' bodies feel like. If you touch one it smears and breaks apart like soft spreadable cheese. The Aliens once made the mistake of taking me to see tiny embryos much smaller than the size of my pinky fingernail when I was more asleep than awake. So I thought that the baby embryos were drowning in the water and I started to pull them up. Even though I was gentle I broke one's arm off. The Aliens weren't more concerned than a scientist with hundreds of cells in a colony after he loses one of them. They can all be replaced, that is their policy. I was terrified of course when I woke up! And so concerned for the baby!

Hamish was happy and proud as he showed me mental images of Alien-human hybrid embryos growing in vats of water. These were larger than the fingernail sized ones. About the size of guinea pigs. White skin from their Alien counterpart, and black hair from their Japanese parents. I can presume that I am the egg donor. I am one of the three parents in that dish. Zeta or Thuban Alien, Japanese Dragon Dynasty human men who are also the Annunaki, and me. Little old me. I am not from a star from outer space, I was born here on planet Earth. And I am not part of a Dragon Dynasty, I don't have ancient Samurai swords on my wall. I am just me. A woman with eggs. Us three, the most unlikely of parents to ever find one another in mutual love and bondship, we make a threesome of parents together. In that dish.

I am then shown a mental remote image of adult hybrids of that make. And I recognize them as none other than what I've named the Bigheads. Those rude Aliens with white skin and big strange eyes. They have black Japanese hair. I am their mother.

I must be honest, and say that my maternal instincts are disgusted with these hybrids. Something about them looks and feels wrong. Seeing these hybrids does not instill maternal instincts of love or of wanting to hold and love those children and Bighead adults forever. I find that my maternal instincts, stemming from ancient human DNA strands, from thousands of women ancestors in my human lineage who all once upon a time bore a child that they loved and brought up to life and adulthood and passed on their life

My stomach is not churning for them. - Hamish about this particular type of hybrids
What do you think about them? - me
I am not angry, I am sad. - Hamish
Why are you sad for them? - me
I am not sad, I said. - Hamish
What do you think then? About those hybrids? What are they made for? What is their purpose? - me
They have some of your DNA strand in them. And they think that I smell. - Hamish, "smell" in other language
I think you are lovely, Hamish. - me
I was not prepared for that visitation, with you. - Hamish
No Hamish, I was not prepared. - me
They haven't wanted you to drink more milk. Because it makes those grow. - Hamish, indicating to my breasts, I didn't know cow's milk makes a human woman's breasts grow
Yes, it is something in that milk. - Hamish
Ok. Thanks Hamish. I didn't know that. - me
So they can make proteases. - Hamish

A quick internet search reveals that proteases are enzymes that catalyze proteins.

The instinct of motherhood passed on to me from every woman before me who bore one of my human ancestors, dating back thousands of years, rejects those Japanese-human-Alien hybrids called Bigheads. My brain looks at them and does not recognize them as babies. I can look at kittens and puppies and frogs and my woman's brain goes aww baby how cute! I even feel that same way about

I wanted to watch it with you. - Hamish about Harry Potter movie
And I didn't want you to drink more milk. - Hamish
Why, Hamish? Why no more milk? - me
I wanted you to be responsible. - Hamish
How? By not drinking milk? - me
It has proteases, I said. And it cleaves your buttercups, your flowers. - Hamish, he is saying that the proteases in milk cleave on the baby embryos growing in me or something
Alright. No more milk. - me

I just started drinking dairy cow's milk two days ago because the Aliens wanted me to for the longest time and I never did. I just started drinking it and now they want me to stop. I don't know if I want to stop. It was making me feel healthy. But I feel that same way about stuffed animals. Like I just want to cuddle them because they're cute. But when I see those Bigheads I feel something else. I reject them.

They are not your buttercups then. - Hamish says about those hybrids, and again when he says it he thinks of yellow flowers
I am not benign, I said. - Hamish
You are my honored. - me
Yes, you have seen my scales. - Hamish
I have seen your scales. And I have honored your race. - me
I don't want you to drink more milk. - Hamish
Alright. I won't drink more milk Hamish. I just thought that you wanted me to drink it. - me

I reject them from the very core of me, this particular batch of hybrids. I remember that one abduction encounter I had when I woke up with the Bighead hybrids around me. They were so rude and evil in the way they look at me and treated me. They inserted tubing down my nose. I've had other Aliens insert tubing down my nose, and it was never done by someone so evil. Dinosaurs have done the same procedure to me and it is fine, with Dinosaurs it feels safe and comfortable. The Bigheads are horrible.

But it's worse than that. All those times I've woken up somewhere else and been taken to have sex with the Japanese Dragon Dynasty men. I cling onto every memory of these encounters as if they were wooden boards floating on the water after a boat crashed and broke apart, and the feeling of knowing I am being abducted and can't remember it feels like drowning in a vast sea. I just want to own my memories and experiences. I can't say I will ever get to own my body again, but I want to own my memories.

I live and die for you, she said. - Hamish
Yes Hamish. - me
But you won't live and die for them. - Hamish says and shows me a Bighead's eye, a huge grotesque eye with white in it and blue iris and black pupil, black hair on the head
I won't sing and dance with you. - says a Bighead man hybrid
I don't like you guys. You feel evil. - me

Being taken into the arms of a stranger man who has sex with me when I am not aware. All the times I've begged the Aliens to just let me stay awake. I have fragments of memories. Fragments, like having had a photo album with a story with pictures and text written beneath the pictures and somebody tore it apart, only torn pictures left and the text mostly wiped out and I am trying to make words and sentences from sporadic letters. I don't have my memories, and it hurts. Having been raped is something I can handle, but having my memories stolen from me is something I can not reconcile with, because it rapes my soul and mind. The body is just a body after all.

All those Japanese men. I could have loved them. Maybe I could have felt like I could still be a woman after all of this. Maybe even a mother sometime in the future and here on my own. No one in the Agenda has cared that I wanted to stay awake. That it would have been the most generous thing to do. That I could have adapted, adjusted, been ok. I am raped and

They were like a flower. - says Hamish about the Bighead hybrids with black hair
I was a flower once. - me
I won't bite her, I said. - Hamish says to the adult male Bighead hybrid who said something to Hamish about me, maybe he thought I should be punished

I am raped and life experiences are stolen from me. Would they let me remember then I would only be raped, but my life would be mine. They never gave me the choice of whether I want amnesia or not.

And now they show me these children, fully expecting me to feel joy of reunion of seeing my precious hybrid children. They want me to feel the same joy as a mother feels who holds her own baby for the first time after giving birth, after carrying the child for nine months. And they want me to feel the same pride that they feel toward the successes of their hybrid programs. I don't. I reject those hybrids. I feel cold and barren and stripped. Those Bigheads are rude and arrogant, they are evil to the core. You should see how they look at me. Not only is there no love, but there is hatred and contempt. And they expect me to love them, and to be happy that they were taken from my body. Is this what my eggs were for? Is this the end result? The reason my whole life became entangled with the Aliens?

I would have wanted to see my eggs being made into human babies. If I make love with a man whom I love, and he loves me, and we are both human. I would kiss that baby's hands and look into its eyes and say that he has his eyes, and that she has my hair. The baby would grow up into a human, and the baby would be loved.

We won't send you any more postcards. I promise. - Hamish otherwise Bighead, they know I call mental images from other places postcards

I would even be happier about all the eggs lost. Women ovulate one egg per month that is lost if it is not fertilized. Those are my sleeping babies that stay asleep forever. I can even love those sleeping babies. But I cannot love that my babies were made into Japanese Bighead hybrids. With men who do not love me. Those horrible Japanese men. I don't want to be in their arms. My eggs, were my babies.

I got upset and I told the Aliens I don't want to see them. I said I don't ever want to see the hybrid children again. Not the Japanese Bighead ones with black hair, not the blonde ones who are not of the Bighead branch. I don't want to see any of them. Even if it hurts not to see my only one favorite hybrid child whom I call my little man. The little boy with blonde hair who is like a grown man. He is my little man, and he likes to play Cowboys and Indians. He is so smart and brave and strong. That is why I like him. He is not vulnerable or fragile and I don't have to fear for his safety.

Seeing the other hybrid children kills me. The Aliens used to subject me to sexual exposure with those children. They force the children, and they force me. That is why I do not want anything to do with those children. That is why there is a cacophony when they show me those children. I got very upset, this time not only because of hybrid children

We won't give you anymore enemas. - says someone probably the Bighead man
I don't care. I think when we're dealing with babies and ovum who cares about enemas. I don't care. - me
We used to give them to you, to see what they were made of. - Thuban I think, otherwise Bighead
I know that. I don't care. - me

We are not made, like your flowers. - says the Bighead hybrid man, thinking of yellow flowers
We wanted to be your buttercups. - Hamish or Bighead says, about these hybrids
We are not, the same genome, originally. - says Bighead
I don't want to be your doctor anymore. - Bighead says
Were you ever? Were you a doctor? - me
... Not if there will be cacophonies. - Bighead says
Don't blame me. Blame everyone else. - me
You look good there. - says Bighead and shows me my open exposed female parts, I guess he inherited some human genome and instincts

Not only were they hybrid children, but these were the Japanese hybrid children. The results of rape. The outcome of Japanese abductions.

I wanted you to be our mother. - says a hybrid child a girl with blonde hair
I don't like pedophilia. - me
No, we just play with our dolls. - says the blonde hybrid girl
We have not cultivated your race. - Bighead says

I could love a child that I had with a man who raped me. I would love my child. I know I would when I get to hold that child in my arms. But these are different. Plus it bugs the hell out of me the pedophilia. That is the main reason why I reject those children. I will have nothing to do with them. Those children are sexually active.

I got so upset. And I finally managed to tell the Aliens why. I told them that they make me see pedophilia with those children and that is why I am upset. And because the Aliens won't let me stay awake for abductions (medical procedures and contact with Aliens) even though I've been asking and asking.

We don't want you to take those. - says Hamish about cigarettes
No Hamish I won't. - me

I finally managed to spell it out without nearly collapsing. Usually when I try to make the words I feel like I can't breathe and like I'm about to vomit and I get a headache and heart pain. But I finally spelled it out without collapse. Dinosaur then said that I was "not crazy" after all, as if now finally they understood why I was upset so I wasn't just some "crazy lady" who gets upset when she sees (hybrid) children. The Aliens still tell the hybrid children that I am crazy and the hybrid children think that I am crazy because I get upset when I see them. They don't know that pedophilia is wrong.

But the point of this story is that my ... ok excuse me here for a moment. The Bighead is raping me vaginally somehow in the other dimension while I'm still here. He's inserting something in me and he is also stimulating my energy overall.

Would you stop raping me. - me
No, because it stops the cacophony. - Bighead
It makes me feel worse. - me

Now they give me the sex drug but inhaled in gas form.

Stop raping me. You do not stop the cacophony that resulted from rape, by doing more rape. You have to stop and leave me alone or I will become very injured from this. I will get suicidal. Back off from me! - me
We are not a pervert. - Bighead says
Leave me alone! Or I will kill myself! - me

I won't kill myself, but if this comes to worst I will have my ovaries removed and burned. No more eggs, this torment stops. These constant rapes and filthy whore children will be gone.

The point of this story was that my love for Hamish is that one liferaft that holds me afloat when I'm drowning in that sea I told you about earlier.

No, she doesn't want to have you. - says Bighead to the little blonde hybrid girl who asked him something about me
I don't want children who are with pedophiles. It hurts the very core of me as a woman. It violates everything I am as a human and woman to have to see those children. - me
We thought you could be here at Komi Saki, but we don't know. - says the Japanese man, one of the men who rapes me

Hamish is that one thing that holds me afloat. Every time that I have been hurting, I have leaned on Dragon Turtle. He is the one who watches over me every day and every night. For two years he has been here, a constant presence. I look at him and I am fine. My Dragon. His red scales, his flat red Duck Feet. His turtleshell soft cushion hump back. And Hamish just being Hamish, Hamish being here for me. He is the only one who knows what I go through, even if he doesn't understand. He knows more than I know about what happens to me, and therefore he is my liferaft. He knows where I go and where I am taken to. He knows what men rape me and what medical procedures I go through. He knows the things I desperately want to find out about, that they don't let me know. He is the one who holds me together.

I don't want to give you anymore wine. - says Bighead now, he calls it wine the drug substance he was giving me to try to make me feel better
Stop drugging me. It is disrespectful. I want to be in control of my own feelings. I am a human. If I am hurting then let me so be it. Hurting is when it tells me that something is wrong. - me
You don't want to be here. - says Hamish and shows me the medical examination room with the medical table with lots of gear and lamps all around
I want to remember. I want nothing more than to own my life. I want my memories. I want to remember. I am not afraid of medical procedures. I nearly went into medical school myself. I am not afraid of hospitals, I am not afraid of Aliens. - me
They won't bite me. - says Hamish, but he is thinking about the Bigheads, I don't know

Hamish is always here for me. Many nights I have cried and only had his red Dragon scales to comfort me on. I have cried at nights when I have been alone in my room, but Hamish has always been in my room with me. He was always a presence. Doing his Dragon things. Like wiping his feet real fast on the bathroom rug to make them clean. Getting his humpback stuck on the shower door handle when he turns around. Tending to his shedded scales.

My cacop

You have said you would stab them with that. - says Bighead or Hamish and shows me the pen

Yes, when things get bad I tell them I will stab them in the head with the pen. I would stab the hybrid children I mean. Just for whatever it takes get those children the hell away from me. I would stab them in their brain with a pen just to get them away from me. I know that sounds harsh, but you don't know what they put me through. Seeing those children is the worst nightmare and source of agony. I started out as a loving mother and I welcomed them into my home, life, and heart. Don't get me wrong, I was so happy to have those children in my life in the beginning when they were first brought to me. Then things that I can't even say on a website. Read the telepathy books before you judge me.

My cacophony this evening caused Hamish some distress. Other Aliens made fun of him for not being dominant around here, because I was acting out of line so they thought that Hamish hadn't done his job. Hamish takes that badly if he is told that he isn't doing his job properly, or that he isn't being dominant enough here with me. But I always notice that when I get upset - have a cacophony - Hamish is the one who gets distressed. He will always retreat to his bathroom rug, where he feels comfortable, and I can feel that he is in agony at those times. Then it hurts

I don't want to be a liferaft. Because, you are our dogs here. - says Hamish
I don't mind Hamish. As long as I have your scales. - me
I am not your doctor anymore. - says the Bighead hybrid man
Whatever. - me

I have silenced many of my emerging cacophonies because I know it would distress Hamish and I don't want to hurt him for anything in the world. I have suffocated many cryings and upsets because I protect Hamish. I also change the tv channel when something comes on that I know would upset Hamish. Such as lobsters in cooking, or scary animals, pumpkins, lots of things. Even if it's a show I want to watch. Hamish takes care of me, so it is my duty to protect him too.

True or false, you have liked it with me? - Hamish
What? - me
They say, true or false you want to give us your eggs. - Hamish

After this cacophony where I was telepathically seriously yelling at the Aliens and very upset and for a long time, Hamish retreated to the bathroom rug I have for him in the bedroom, and he squatted down on the rug and peed there. Did he pee because he got scared or distressed? I can't say it's the first or only time he's ever peed on a bathroom rug, but it happens rarely. It's ok though, it's his rug.

Hamish stayed on that rug, and started doing what he does, rubbing a rubbery flap sheet of shedded scales that was on the pink bathroom rug in the bedroom, rubbing it between his ankles to feel it against his legs. He then stomped his feet slowly up and down, up and down, on sheets of scales on the rug. I had hurt my Dragon, I had caused him agony. He doesn't like arguments, he always retreats, and I can feel what he feels. He is the man in my life, and I could feel him standing here in the darkness, stomping on his rug and on his scales, his eyes staring into the darkness, him internalizing what had just happened. He feels agony when I argue, he retreats when I argue, he curls up someplace and goes to a rug where he feels more safe. It even scared him. It hurt him, that when he thought he could show me those hybrids then I got upset. And it hurt him that the other Aliens were calling him a failure because of my upset, after all his hard work here, and that also came to him as a shock. My poor Hamish, the love of my life.

So I dropped what I was doing, I came to the bedroom and didn't turn on the lights here because Dragon likes it dark, and I said, "Hamish, are you alright?" "Leave me alone, I said.", said Hamish.

Yes-No, my scales will be owned. - says Hamish now in the darkness about his sheets of shedded scales on the pink bathroom rug in the bedroom

My skin falls off here. - says Hamish about the shedded scales on the rug
Hamish. It is ok. You are a Dragon. It is natural. You are normal and healthy. Reptiles shed skin regularly so that their body may make new skin for them. - me

I should watch some videos of reptiles shedding skin with Hamish, but I don't know how he would react. He thinks it is disgusting as well as traumatic, so I don't know if that's the right way of approach. But I love him. My Hamish The Great. Also known as Sock Turtle.

Did you say that we were Kings? - Hamish
Yes Hamish. You can be the King. - me
You probably think that we look strange. That we look like ghosts. - the Bighead doctor hybrid man says, approximately

*From the start of the page, rustic music has a special meaning to me. You find it in the book Real? Or Imaginary? when I was first getting to know Hamish.

Minutes later:
We were once thought of as Kings. - Hamish

Said Hamish and showed me an image from a castle long ago. Did Reptilians used to shapeshift into humans? Captain Stephens is Hamish's human shapeshift. Years ago long before I ever met Hamish the Reptile, Stephens was in my life and he always wanted me to call him King, and he had a fixation with my menstruational blood.

We are not stupid, tell them that. It is they!, who are the sheep! - Hamish
Someone is making fun of Hamish because of his duck feet. Hamish heard it and he defends himself.
Hamish. I honor you. - me
Yes. You do. Because you like me. - says Hamish and looks me in the eye
I don't tremble before you, I said. - says Hamish and thinks about trembling, about his body shivering

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