<THOUGHTS

I just want to be with him
May 15 2014

Why do I love Hamish so much? Whenever I tell him how much I love him, he just says, "My eggs!" He just thinks of me as "his eggs". Sometimes when I'm calling for him, "Hamish! Hamish! Come here I miss you!", it gets Hamish's attention and Hamish scurries along, puts his tiny little sock puppet head two centimeters above my belly (like a near-sighted person), and says, "My eggs were calling for me". No, Hamish. I am here. I am a person, a somebody inside of this head who loves you. Does he know that? Does he think about me? At all?

Yes, and No, I do. - says Hamish who is listening
I love you Hamish. - me

You know how when a dog is listening his head will go left, and right, left, and right. Hamish does the same. When he is listening and paying attention carefully, then his head will tilt left, then right, then left, like a dog does. Presumably, since Hamish also has two tympanic membranes (ears) one on either side of the head, by tilting the head sideways he is listening carefully to discern where a sound is coming from. I mean, in nature when a Dragon Turtle is paying closely attention, his head might tilt sideways to judge the direction and sound carefully. So the tilting behavior probably got stuck to be connected to paying attention. So even when the communication is telepathic, just by paying attention, the head tilts.

Do you know what love is? Love is when you would die for someone else, even if that someone is so gullible and ignorant and sweet that he won't even know what you did for him. That is how you love children and Dragon Turtles. I could safely and peacefully die knowing that Dragon Turtle has another wonderful day, with whatever that goes on inside of his Hamish eyes and that little sock puppet head of his on a long tubular neck.

Today I told Hamish that if I die, I would let him eat my livers and blood. Some people feel that they love humanity, and sign up their bodies for organ donors so that after they die their body can do some good for others. Other people love their family so much, that they would donate a kidney, blood, or bone marrow to others.

I would not take your eyes. - says Hamish and thinks about the human eyeballs
Hahaha.
I won't give you my eyes. - me

If I die, I would want Hamish Dragon Turtle to eat my liver and blood and any other snacky treats that might lie inside me. You have to understand that Hamish eats organ meats. And that I love Hamish. So it makes sense. It really does, it really does make sense. I love this Dragon so much, that anything else would be a waste. I don't want a funeral. I don't want to be cremated. I want my Dragon Turtle to eat what parts of me he can.

I've been so close to Dragon Turtle. When he connects to my mind with his mind, he does that so that he can be reading my thoughts. But then I get to read his thoughts too, conversely. I have been inside his body and mind. Felt how his flat dragon duck feet shift on the floor. How he has a reflex to learn forward and down exposing his back cushion. How he thinks.

This woman loves me. - Hamish to the Navy human man
Really? - the man to Hamish
Really. I love Hamish. - me to the Navy man
She doesn't want to fight with me. - says Hamish about me to the Navy man

I have been inside and between each and every one of his scales, just like he is. Felt his every breath. When his nostrils open and close, and how he uses his nostrils in his body language, communication and expressions. We are very close, Hamish and me.

The little Asian girl

Today Hamish has brought here a little Asian girl who is my daughter with the Japanese Dragon Dynasty men. She has long black hair, dark brown Asian eyes, dark skin color. But I instantly recognized her as mine. Even though I am northern European, seeing her for the first time was like looking at me. So I knew she was my daughter. But I have rejected her and told them to go away. She was brought her to see her mother in the shower naked. Soon they will have her have sex with the men. She is twelve years old. I will have nothing to do with it. To hell with them all.

The other day the most unusual people got on the bus. We never ever ever have Asians here. Especially not where I live. I've lived here 30 years and we have never had Asians here. Never ever. An Asian mother got on the bus with two or more Asian children. Something about them was not just Asian but unusual Asian. I wondered if they are Mongolian. They looked nothing like any Asians you ever see on tv. The little Asian girl sat next to me on the bus and I felt really close to them somehow. Like I wanted to stay with them forever. I am not just making this up afterwards, it really was unusual then and it really did feel that way. Today the Aliens said these were my children. How the heck did they bring real human (alien?) people into my actual whereabouts.

The aliens know what bus stop I usually take, when I'm going to the store. The aliens were going to bring a little Asian girl to that bus stop, they said and showed me in mental images.

The Zetas said that Zetas created the Asian human race. That is why they "still" work with the Japanese in genetics projects, say Zetas. Zetas have also said that the Japanese can understand and relate to the Zetas because the Zetas had genetic decline to their population following a nuclear power disaster, and now the Japanese have had nuclear disaster too since World War 2 so they can relate, have the Zetas said. But in reality, the Japanese say they have to help the Zetas, or the Zetas would go after the general public of Japan. Why Japan? Isn't it weird? I'm European.

The Dragons have been a presence with these same Japanese families for hundreds of years. There are old families in Japan called the Dragon Dynasty. These families have always known that they have real Dragons as part of their family. It is thought of as something of a nuisance, or a "family curse". There are Hamish's race of red Dragon Turtles also living in China. China also knows about the legend of the Dragons. In China Hamish's race is well-protected.

It's cute when Hamish visits Japan. Japan, especially the traditional Japanese culture which you see with the Dynasty people, is much more alien and difficult to understand than the aliens are. I can understand Reptilians and Hamish and Alpha Remulans, but the Japanese customs are really weird. Like their tea ceremonies, and everything. Weird. So it's fun to see how Hamish goes there and seems to get along. What with bonsai trees, thousands of years old samurai swords on the walls, Japanese carp fish in the ponds, those old style Japanese houses with pointy rooves, the clothing, sitting on the floor. Everything, even how these people think and speak and act. I feel so out of place in Hamish's Japan.

I am a large-build European woman. Big-boned and strong. I can never fit into the petite clothes the Japanese have there for me. I was also not made dainty or weak as a woman. I was made tough and European. I am brave, outspoken. Not timid or little. So I am very "un-feminine" in the old traditional Dynasty Japan. I really don't fit in there, I am really out of place. But somehow our Dragons have thought it a good idea to mix our genetics. Oh, I don't care. As long as Hamish is happy, with doing and being whatever it is that Hamish is and does.

I love my Turtle Sock. I can't forget when I got to see him at the elevator and stairs the other morning. It was real. I stood face to face with Hamish The Elder also known as Hamish The Great. Yet all this persona I have gotten to know him as, all his quirky fun and delightful personality, all of the laughs and giggles and bathroom ruggie snugs and shedding bits of scales and Yes-No Onions and No Santa!!! aside, this was just one scary alien beast. And he was thinking of eating my livers. I could sense it. So I ran and screamed.

Hamish? Yes-No Santa. - me

Hamish's response? He does the face where he closes his upper and lower eyelids across the eyes but for a narrow horisontal slit and he closes his nostrils shut. He has only been doing that face for the past month or so. He didn't used to do it. I still don't know what it means. I think it means he doesn't want to talk to me. He usually does that face when I am asking him a question.

Hamish's body language

I know Hamish so well now after nearly three years together. What will I get for our three-year anniversary?

How about some eggs? - says Hamish
What kind of eggs? - me
The Zeta Remulan ones. - says someone else with a deeper darker voice
Is that the Scorpions? Is Zeta Remulan same as Alpha Remulan? I love my Scorpions. - me
You have said that I smell like cheese. - Hamish, my other language
You smell like Hamish. You smell good, like a Dragon Turtle. I love you Turtle Hamish. Your smell is fine here. - me
Yess, my eggs said yes to me. - Hamish
I said yes, Hamish. Your eggs said nothing. - me

By the way, this Asian girl who was meant to visit here today, who is twelve years old, she looks just like the Alpha Centauri. I have to *wonder* if there is a genetic connection between Alpha Centaurians and the Asians. Hmm, interesting question to pose, and gives me shivers because it must be true.

I know Hamish's body language inside and out. He communicates and expresses himself with the way the upper and lower eyelids close across the eyes. You can read a lot of emotion from his eyelids. We humans use our mouths the same way Reptiles use their eyelids to express emotion. Upper eyelids can close down to halfway across the eyes, and lower eyelids can close up to halfway across the eyes. If the upper eyelids close diagonally across the eyes, so that the outer corners are lower down than the inner corners, it means that Hamish "likes" something or that he is feeling humble and peaceful. Sometimes Hamish puts my finger on my upper eyelid to tell me that he likes something. It is also a gesture of blushing, feeling humbled by something.

I can use my finger to hold my eyelids across my eyes diagonally and then show that to Hamish so that he knows I like something. Usually what I do is I tell him I love him and then show him a mental image of himself and then I do that. Then he knows that I like him. But it is also, almost, a sign of weakness. It means a moment of not feeling sharp, alert, dominant, powerful, or fierce. It is a humble soft feeling. But me as a human woman I don't mind being loving toward Hamish all the time. But, as a human woman I tend to think that by being loving this way it would somehow build good relations between us. I think that it would pacify us and keep us on friendly terms. But it isn't received that same way by Hamish. Hamish doesn't want warm and tender loving feelings between us. He wants dominance, to be alert, and powerful. But I do it anyway.

Another one with the eyelids is to close the lower eyelids up. It means Hamish is amused and laughing. One of his favorite jokes that amuse him a lot, is the fact that dolphins live in the sea and they poo in the same water that they live in. That cracks Dragon up all the time. A Dragon doesn't laugh or smile like we humans do, but his lower eyelids close up.

We humans instantly know in our heart when someone is laughing because we see the mouth laughing. I have spent so much time with Dragon that when I see the lower eyelids close, I instantly feel it in my heart that he is laughing. My brain has actually learned to read Dragon facial expressions and to respond with the same emotions I would from seeing human emotions on a human face! Hamish knows that humans smile by raising the corners of their mouth, but between just me and Hamish, I show him when I am amused by putting my finger on my lower eyelids and raising the eyelids up and showing Hamish. Then he knows that I am feeling amused.

Reptilians close their eyelids completely when they want to say that they are pacifist and friendly. The black reptile does that a lot, but Hamish probably never does that. It means something very special emotionally and intellectually when a Reptilian closes its eyes fully. But it is a peaceful sign, it means he is being very humble and calm and that he won't attack you. It means a type of friendly surrender, it slightly also means to ignore someone or something. It means more than that too but it is difficult to explain.

Hamish can communicate with his mouth too. If he faces me with his mouth wide open, it means that he is disgusted with me, and it is also a very clear threat and show of power. It is a sign of dislike and disappointment. He used to face me with his mouth open more often in our first year but nowadays he never does that. He will face me real close with the mouth open, showing all the way down to his throat. It is related to eating, he is basically showing power by saying that "he would eat me". He has no teeth, yet the act of eating is in itself a powerful and dominant act.

He communicates also with his nostrils. Hamish has no external nose but he has two nostrils between the eyes, slightly beneath the line of the eyes. He can close his nostrils completely together with making just a narrow horisontal line of his eyes which signals something like "I don't want to answer", or "what? no thanks", usually if I ask him a question he does that. It looks a bit like someone who ate lemon, you know that kind of face. It's really something. I must say, it was kind of annoying for a while that every time I asked Dragon a question he would give me that face and close his nostrils and eyes into a narrow line. It felt almost like when humans do "talk to the hand". Like I was being dismissed. Like he was making himself unavailable, closing the doors and windows so to speak.

What else does Hamish do. His back hump talks a heck of a lot. Hamish likes to show it off, he will also talk about it and tell me to see it, and he will often - still after almost three years - ask me have I seen it. It signals dominance, his race, power, all of it. He also feels very safe hiding underneath a proportionally small soft fleshy cushion on his back. It is not a solid turtleshell or anything. Just a soft cushion on his upper back. In very many situations Hamish has an instinctive and automatic response where he hunches down to display the back hump. He will sort of hide his head and face and eyes underneath the back hump. To make himself anonymous and to simply sport the sign that speaks "dominance".

If the eyes and face are where the person is, then Hamish effectively hides his persona under the soft cushion. He wants people and other animals to see the cushion instead of his head or face. In fact, Hamish's face is really tiny!

I wouldn't have given it a squeeze. The lemon I said. - Hamish, because I wrote about lemon earlier, haha what a slow response!
Hamish! There is no lemon! - me
You said I had wanted one. - Hamish
No, lemon. Yes-No lemon I said. - me

There is supposed to be a perfect row of black thorns growing along his back cushion but those are plucked out from Hamish "so that he isn't showing too much power". (Remember the Yellow Turtle had them. By the way, notice in that picture of Yellow Turtle that his eyes are smiling. Yellow Turtle was constantly smiling at me, luckily I knew how to read their facial expressions. Upper eyelids closing diagonally across the eyes.)

Hamish's red color communicates power and dominance. Don't forget how mad he is when he sees Spiderman, red Santa hats, or anything red. Every Christmas is fun because Hamish is growling at all the Santa decorations and wants to bite them. He will literally be up all night looking around at all the Santas and wanting to fight them. He even tries to talk to them. Then when I wake up in the morning he tells me about it.

His tail however does not seem to mean anything. I still do not know why they have a tail, I have no theory as to its purpose. The tail does not signify any kind of status or identity. I could postulate that a tail is good if an attacker grabs the Dragon from behind, then if they bite on the tail, the tail is expendible. It is easier to lose or injure a tail than to have harm on the body itself. That is my theory. Hamish never talks about his tail or uses it. He has no awareness of the tail, it is just there. And that puzzles me still, after three years.

Hamish? What does your tail do or mean to you? Does it mean anything to you? What do you do with your tail? - me
We lay eggs with it. It goes with the eggs there. We lay them there. - Hamish
But you are a man, Hamish. Do you lay eggs? - me
No, I have no sperm left. The Dragon Turtle ladies do. I watch them do it there. - Hamish, note that when I asked "do you lay eggs?", his eyes and nose did the "face" that he does when I ask him the questions, the "lemon face"

From his thoughts I saw that the Dragon Turtles lay eggs from a slot that is under the tail. How the tail factors in I do not know. Perhaps the tail is for balance? Perhaps it helps to regulate body temperature? Perhaps it contains sensors for ambient temperature?

Hamish uses his body posture to communicate, mostly because his body posture will adjust based on how he is feeling. When he feels insecure, he slumps down and hides under his back cushion and pushes up the back cushion to feel safe underneath it. If he is curious, his head tends to tilt to one side.

Hamish uses his breathing and vocal communication. A short static hiss (static like the static of a television channel or radio channel) means "stop! no more! quiet!" It means he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and he has said no. A horrible sound he rarely makes is the "goose basooning sound". It sounds like a goose and also like a horn. It is the most horrible sound. It is loud and it makes me shiver. It is paralyzing. He only does that when he is yelling, if he gets really mad. But Hamish rarely loses his temper. Hamish is very patient and it takes a lot before he loses his temper and makes the goose basooning sound. But when he does I go quiet and I say no more. Then I really feel like I have been yelled at and scolded.

Palate clicks are when he is pleased. I do palate clicks at him all the time, mostly about "Yes Hamish" to tell him that I love him so much. With the palate click he opens his mouth, then closes his mouth so that the roof of the mouth makes a soft fleshy palate click sound against the base of the mouth. You know when you have bottles that have been vacuum sealed and you can press on the lid and it makes a click sound which proves that the package is sealed and unbroken? It sounds almost exactly like that. I have learned to do the sound with my mouth even though it isn't nearly as good as Hamish's. Hamish manages to make them really loud, and Hamish's palate clicks sound really happy. But I'm sure he knows what I mean.

The longer the delay or pause between opening the mouth (setting up for a palate click) and then doing the click sound, then the happier. When Hamish is really happy then the delay between prepping and clicking is longer! And Hamish looks really happy when he palate clicks. I do palate clicks at Hamish all the time.

Hamish has many other sounds too. I like to bother Hamish at random. Sometimes I like to just sneak up on him and surprise him with palate clicks after palate clicks. He usually responds to that by starting to hiss, clearly because he is annoyed and I am bothering him. A hiss is a warning I'm sure.

There are many sounds. My favorite is the coffee brewer sound. The sound of a coffee brewer that makes steam just before it starts dripping water. That is when Hamish is pleased about something. You know, I often try to ask Hamish to make certain sounds for me, but not a single time has Hamish made a sound to me upon my request. He doesn't fake his sounds. He makes them when the emotion is there.

There are grunts and grunt-purrs, lovely sounds. Sometimes Hamish thinks about his shedded bits of white shedded scaly bits and then he talks a lovely chatter of happy cheerful Dragon sounds. Those are times to die for. He can also think about his eggs (my eggs, actually fertilized eggs and tiny baby embryos the size of a U.S. quarter) and he chatters with a complex language of short Dragon sounds that sounds delightful and with surprising complexity to nuances.

He also does exhales. Most exhales mean "yes". If Hamish is being supportive or encouraging or reassuring, there is an exhale he does. I have learned to do this and I do it to him too. It tends to be accompanied with hunching down a bit.

There are many nuances to Hamish's expressions and communication.

That horrible scary creature who eats livers and who has me

It is our greenhouse. - Hamish, with image of the greenhouse near here
It is where we eat our eggs. - Hamish
And, you have not been harmed when we do so. - Hamish, about me
It was my chocolates! - Hamish says all delighted and cute
You are my chocolates. I mean, that I like you. I would never eat Dragon Turtles. - me
Yes-No, snacks, she said. - Hamish acknowledges what I said here

And who has me in some kind of weird alien meat farm industry. Hamish drags my hybrid children to the creek and drowns them and then eats them.

They were swollen, my livers! And I have to eat them, without my teeth on. - Hamish says, that strange fire engine red sock puppet head with yellow bulging eyes like headlights of a car

But I love him. I have discovered how he is someone. And I can't get over him. We've been too close. And we will always be close. I would die for him.

I wish I could curl up on the floor next to him and go to sleep resting my head on red Dragon scales and having his tail wrapped around my body. [ADDED: I was not going to lie next to him naked. With pajamas on.]

Yes-No!, lying naked next to me! Yes-No, I said! - Hamish with great concern
Why, Hamish? Why Yes-No? - me
I wasn't going to fight with him. - Hamish, he shows me the Navy man from earlier

So the damn Navy man forbids it.

Yeah, because we have children here too. And we have to watch them eat them. - Navy man
I just want to spend time with my Dragon Turtle. - me
What? You want to? - Navy man totally surprised
Yes. He's my best friend. Can I please spend time with him? Let me meet Hamish. I love him. I love my Dragon Turtle. I want to come visit him tonight. You idiot. Don't ruin my friendship with Hamish. - me to Navy man
I would bite him I said, if I could. - Hamish says to me about the Navy man
Oh, you poor silly girl! - Navy man to me regretfully
Why?? Because I can't be with Hamish? - me
What is your name. Anyway. - me
I am an, officer. An officer of martial law. - Navy
What the hell does that mean? - me
We are just, watching out for you here! - Navy man says to me
I don't care. I just want to be with Hamish. - me
I am with my cookies here. - says Hamish, and now I see how very large he is, much larger than a human
I would bite you I said. - Hamish at the Navy man

[ADDED: "Martial law is the imposition of military power over designated regions on an emergency basis. Martial law is usually imposed on a temporary basis when the civilian government or civilian authorities fail to function effectively."]

I want to snuggle up next to Hamish. Cuddle up with my head on a pillow of Dragon Turtle arm. Breathing in sync with him, hearing and feeling every nuance of his breath and thought. We are so close, so close. I could soak into his scales and live there forever. It's like when the mermaid became sea foam and a part of the sea. I could just linger on and live in the breath and exhale of Hamish. I could live in the sensations of his flat red duck feet.

But another one I love is the Alpha Remulan Scorpion. He is quite a character! And there are these little yellow men with pointy ears and pointy noses, they work with medicine and are very intellectual, I often ask to get to meet them but I never do. And then of course Dinosaurs. I've so much respect for Dinosaurs, for who they are. They deserve the best. But Hamish, Hamish and me. I just want to be with him.

Yes-No! My funny farm! - Hamish says, the Navy man must have said to Hamish that if I meet Hamish then I would end up at the funny farm (i.e. mental hospital), which isn't true, it is all lies
I WANT TO MEET MY HAMISH! I've met him before. It was great. Hamish is the best, you idiot. - me to Navy man
Well, Miss, we are trying to secure you here. - Navy man
You are ruining my life, you idiot. I want to spend time with Hamish. - me
He is hungry for your eggs, you see. And mine too, I mean, ... - Navy man
I WANT TO BE, WITH HAMISH. I saw him once, at the staircase. And we had a good time, before I ran and screamed. - me
Yes-No, I wasn't your Dragon Turtle. - Hamish to the Navy man
I won't bite him I said to him, and he thought that he was lucky. - Hamish about the Navy man
I will bite him soon. - me
Leave her alone. - Navy man to Hamish
Yes-No!!! - Hamish to Navy man

Hamish is upset when he says the last "Yes-No!!!" where he jumps up. Sometimes Hamish gets so upset that he lifts up off his feet. Why can't Hamish and me just be together? Yes-No means No by the way.

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