<THOUGHTS

Alien Meeting
November 22 2014

The Reptilians choose to let me see them (remotely) and talk. I almost thought I was going to get to go to them for a conscious encounter, but not. Here is what happened.

THIS PAGE IS A REAL HAPPENING. IT IS NOT FICTION.

Black Reptile King

Last night when I went to bed, in the black of seeing nothing and having my eyes closed, the images of one yellow Reptilian eye with a vertical brown slit flashed by clearly. Then, my mind was given a clear image of a room which is presumably in the Reptilian spaceship. In the middle of that room is a table and I saw the room as if I had been laying on that table, only I was still in my bed at home. I could see the alien room and the Reptilian aliens in that room.

Black Reptilian stood to the front to the left. He acted hostile toward me, very butch and made some insults and threats against me. He told me that the planet Earth has been rigged with explosives, he talked about taking over Earth, he said they have blown up many other planets before when people have not complied with them. I told them I am just a girl and I would not choose sides one way or the other. I was not about to say one way or the other which might cause political or military conflict, so I remain neutral, and polite toward them.

They don't just go to our military or political leaders to try to take over or impress. What surprises me is that they think that what me, a mere one woman of Earth, thinks about them matters. It matters to them whether I join forces with them or not. I have no political or military power whatsoever here on Earth. Yet they seem to think that it matters greatly to their plan, what I think.

He spoke in part in words, and to my disappointment the aliens chose my native language, it is another European language which I spoke when I was a child. I have two other languages I speak better, English being one of them, which I would prefer, because I don't know all the words in that language, and I get tired in my head from talking in it, but they had made their choice. I think it's because they must have spoken that language to me ever since I was a child. In part they spoke in words, and in part they were able to speak by a stream of thought which contained the information that let me know exactly what they were saying. I prefer the wordless communication with aliens, and I even asked them - in the wordless language - if we could speak the wordless language instead.

Don't tell them about what we did. - a Zeta-type alien now says
What did you do? - me
We gene-determined you. - Zeta, I translated from my other language

The Black Reptilian showed me, or perhaps gave me, a mentally projected small perfect yellow triangle pyramid that he projected into the air between us. As a gesture, I projected my own yellow triangle pyramid and gave back to him. It is their symbol. He referred to me as a dog, meaning an inferior race. He told me, with utter disgust, that I am covered in lice. Again, as many times before, I told him that I don't have a single louse on me, that lice are insects that drink human blood and are large enough to be visible to the human eye, I have none, and instead, I said, I have plenty of dust mites, which eat skin remains and are too small to be seen with the human eye. I apologised to the Black Reptile for the inconvenience of having mites and I said I don't have a way of getting rid of them.

[ADDED same day: Black Reptilian also told me not to sneeze, as he did not want my bacteria and sneeze floating around in the air of their room. He seemed to sigh as he declared that having a human there will contaminate their room with filthy things, but that it was still worth it, because they need my eggs, but with the inconvenience of mites and bacteria and what not.]

The aliens said that they will treat my body with a procedure that freezes the dust mites off, a topical treatment against my skin. I told them that they may do this, so long as this would not harm my body. (I would not be aware of this treatment done. They have mentioned their disgust with my dust mites and bacteria many times before too.)

The Black Reptile is the same Black Reptile as always. The one who wears a black-purple dive suit jumpsuit and has skin that is black with a purple hue, skin that is smooth, a proportionally "too small" head, black Reptilian eyes with both upper and lower eyelids. (Reptilians can selectively choose to close either their upper or lower eyelids, or both at the same time, and in many ways for instance horisontally or diagonally, and they use that to present emotions and moodlet to others, for example laughing, smiling, humbleness and thankfulness, pacifism.) His head looks soft like a mushroom, I'm sure it would buckle and cave in easily if pressed too hard against.

I suspect that Black Reptile comes from Orion, that he is an Orion lizard. If so, then his people were taken over by an attacking alien race from Alpha Theta, namely the Shadow Figures also known as Dark Lords or Archons.

The Black Death, we are called. Call us that. Will you, Miaow. - Dark Lord says now
I will call you Black Death Sir. It is a name good as any other. Just don't kill me please will you. - me
No. Not you, yet. No, do not worry about that. We won't kill you, just kidnap. We won't, worry you either. You have our meals in you. We take them. Yup! - Dark Lord, "Black Death"

The Black Reptile told me that he is the King. I think I "honored" him a bit, by telling him that he is honored. They like that, so why not. I accepted that he can be the king, I figured, that somebody in their alien team will be the leader, he is like the headmaster of a school, so I would let him be the king and accept that title. First when they give you their honorary titles you are washed over by its accompanying arrogance, and it takes a moment to cool down and decide to remain civil, rather than provoked. It is easy to be provoked by the Reptilians, when they call you inferior dog race and insist that they are kings. But I wanted to enjoy my alien contact. And I also try to respect and understand these beings. So he can be king. He is simply the leader of the group there, that is no problem.

[ADDED same day: One of the first things Black Reptile told me, was telling me "not to throw up". It seems that abductees will as a rule vomit when they are taken there. I asked the Reptiles, is it because of the smell there? I know that Reptiles have a repulsive nauseating body odor. I told them I have a strong stomach, I hardly ever vomit.]

Sock Turtle Was There

My Sock Turtle Hamish was there too of course in that room with King Black Reptile. Hamish is a red Reptilian of the "old Draconian race", he is different than your typical Reptiles. Hamish has a back hump which he is very proud of. It seems that every human abductee on Earth might have a resident Reptilian who guards him or her and lives with that person in their home at all times keeping a close watch. I have heard other abductees talk of a resident Reptile too. Well, Hamish is my resident Reptilian, and I love him dearly.

Hamish was just being Hamish. Saying things like Hamish says, probably showing me his goosebumps and back hump. When Hamish talked to me and I got to see him, I broke into tears and started to sob into my bed covers. I hated to interrupt the Reptilian meeting and his kingship the Black Reptilian, but I just had to take a moment just to cry and wipe my tears. Because I love my Hamish, so much. I told them that I have never loved anyone as much as I love Hamish. I told them, that I hate to say it, but I don't even love my own family members as deeply as I love him. He was talking about his shedded scales and all.

The Colonel

Black Death, I wanted to be called... - Dark Lord

I also met another interesting creature in that Reptilian alien room. It was a black creature whose face I recognized to be a Dark Lord, also known as Shadow Figures, Archons, Alpha Thetons or Alpha Thetans, or now, also known as "Black Death". But his body was entirely different. Usually they show themselves as either very short or rather tall black upright standing figurines, only this time he had a very animalesque frame. I've known them to be shapeshifters, they can contort the way their body looks to the human who sees them.

I must say, he was a hideous looking creature. Insect-like perhaps. Entirely black. His small face and head hunched down and forward, the entire body hunched down, a black tail, two legs and two arms. The entire body looked like a house that only had the steel framework without any added padding or muscle. He was just like a frame of a body, thin. But I smiled when I saw him, because I thought he was beautiful. I gave him compliments. He told me he is the Colonel.

The Colonel hopped up on the table where I seemed to be laying over there in their alien room, and he raped me. Or had sex with me, the distinction is just a matter of definition. I forget what he said when he did that. He only did that for a few seconds, then he stopped because I said something that perhaps implied that I didn't want to do this with him. He seemed disappointed and sad as he hopped down from the table back down to the floor. I felt the sex with him and it was pleasant. These creatures seem to have slender small white penises that are hidden on the inside of their bodies at usual times. I wasn't upset, well, because he is a creature and I'm too curious about these aliens. I have to think that their culture is different.

I was under the impression that he raped me in order for him to claim my reproductive system and eggs for their subsequent use. Perhaps it makes sense to them, in their way of thinking. Or, was it also an act of violence and forced submission? To redeem themselves as powerful kings and Colonels? These aliens are offensive and dominating in their very presence. Reptilians like to wrestle me when we first get acquainted so that they can show power and establish themselves as a leader. But I am leaning towards thinking that this rape really was just to claim the eggs. I don't think he meant it as violence or dominance per se.

I wasn't upset that this creature raped me, because he is an animal. If I am respectful, tolerant and neutral of their culture, then I don't have to feel upset or scared of them and I can get closer I hope to peeking into their culture and get to meet with these creatures. They are what they are regardless of my emotional response to them. If I want to know what they are and be a scientist about it, then I can't let myself get upset. They are aliens, let's not forget that. These are real aliens from outer space. They are not going to be like human beings, and I can't ask of them to be like us either. Meanwhile, I'm the one who is disgusting and covered in dust mites and bacteria and sob like an idiot at the sight of my best friend.

Dinosaur Stops By

The Black Reptilian showed me some pipes that run attached to the walls in this room we were in, and he told me that I am not allowed to touch those. I asked him what runs in those pipes, he didn't say. I promised him that if I were in their room I would not touch those pipes, yet I worried that if I were there with them in a half-unconscious state, who knows what I do then, because I cannot control my behavior I am like an animal in the headlights.

A Dinosaur stopped by in the room, and I was happy to see him. And early in this contact Hamish talked about how I need oxygen. They don't have oxygen in their alien rooms usually, but if a human abductee goes there then they would have to have. I thanked them kindly for respecting my needs for oxygen.

Zeta Nurse Lady

An adult Zeta or Zeta-human-hybrid came into the room and she was wearing a fabric apron which was sleeveless and she expressed in the wordless language that she was a nurse. She exuded friendliness, politeness and calm, and this might be an unnatural state of being for her species but a manner that she has adopted in order to facilitate things with human abductees. I know typical Zetas to be quite harsh and unfriendly, so this one was likely not a naturally-behaving individual of their species.

I was shown a little toddler hybrid boy with white skin. He was on the floor playing with a large toy car. The boy didn't pay attention to me, but only to that car. I expressed fondness and love toward that boy, I felt that I wanted to pick him up into my arms.

When my hybrid children were first brought to me back in the beginning in 2011, I was prepared to be their mother and to love them and have them in my life. But then they turned out to be ruthlessly arrogant and sexually abusive, not to mention heaps of forced pedophilia by the Zetas, so I made many severe threats and insisted that I have nothing whatsoever to do with those filthy children. Over time I have now not been bothered by being forced to see them or interact with them, and now when I saw them again it seemed that I had forgotten over time all of the pain and sexual abuse with these children. It is natural for me to just love them.

A young adult female hybrid woman came into the room and I am her mother. She looked a lot like me. I expressed love toward her. She asked me whether she could "place her fabric on top of me". I asked them, since I didn't understand. Turns out she was asking if she could place her hand on top of my belly, and the fabric is since she was wearing clothes. I told them that she may, and she did, she placed her hand on my belly. [ADDED same day: And she said, that she had come from there. That she had come from inside my belly.] They always want to touch me, but they are also encouraged by the Zeta workers that they must touch their human mothers and fathers. I was told who her human father was, that he was a large man and that I didn't remember him.

Oh, and before the Zetas started to come in to the room, the Reptilians who were first there with me told me that the Reptilians were now leaving because "suction cups" would be coming in, and I was shown a mental image of lots of Zeta fingertips, which have suction cups on them. The Reptiles said that Hamish would stay in the room with me for that..... Hamish now shows me an image from one of the stores in our town, he is pointing to a package of large red Christmas tree ball ornaments and says something about these ornaments being with the eggs. I ask him if we should go shopping. Hamish is looking forward to Christmas, and he is very keen on these red ball ornaments, see here from Christmas of 2012.

Food

Also, before the Zetas came in and when I was with the Reptilians, the Reptiles all seemed dazzled and enchanted like cats with a pouch of catnip because of my beating heart in my chest. Even Hamish was tempted. They wanted to eat it. They also talked about the "iron", which means my blood. I told them that my heart, my liver snacks, and my blood were mine and that I need them in order to stay alive.

I asked the Aliens if I could come there to visit, I begged the king to let me come there. Other humans have gotten to meet with them, I said. They said that "Derek says no". I got angry at Derek. I tried to stop myself from telling him that I would kill him. I started to cry, I broke down and was sobbing for the second time that night. "It is not your decision", I told Derek. "It is my decision to make. I love these aliens so much, I hate to say it, but more than I love even my own family. And I love Hamish more than I have ever loved anything else.", I said to Derek. "I would punch you if I was there", I told Derek, and it was true. I could have hurt him for denying me my time with aliens. [ADDED same day: And I told Derek, "Your feelings are not the same as my feelings. You might be feeling uncomfortable seeing what they do to me, but that does not mean that I feel the same."]

Because when I was seeing and chatting with my Reptilians, I felt so at home with them. Because they are a part of my life. They always have been. I also cried because of all the memories lost and stolen. How these aliens have inserted themselves into my life so deeply, but stayed away at the same time, and how much that juxtaposition hurts. To be so close, but so far away. To love Hamish ever so much more than my own life, but not to get to touch him or be with him close. It hurts, it is painful. I was feeling so at home with the sensations coming from that Reptilian room. Even though these were highly uncomfortable and hostile sensations, it felt like a dangerous place. The Reptilians have a way of putting their very ominous atmosphere or vibe into the space they occupy, and as a human you can't help but to feel it. But it was something that would always be part of me. And Derek was denying me that right.

So I didn't get to visit them in that spaceship that night.

The Reptilians told me that they eat the hybrid children. I was shown a mental image of a nursery with babies. It looked just like the baby ward in a hospital. That glass wall, behind which were many cribs with glass walls and open tops that each had a newborn baby in it. Those babies were small white hybrid babies. Probably all of them were mine. A row of Reptilian guards stood side by side, behind them that outer glass wall, in front of them me.

[ADDED same day: And while I lay on that table there in the alien room, even though I felt as if I was still in my home in bed, Hamish looked at my abdomen and told everyone that "his potatoes" were in me. I love it when that near-sighted Dragon comes so close to see me, just an inch or two above my skin, when he looks closely at me to see. It is so close and snug. Even if he thinks about there being potatoes inside me, he means the eggs and edible hybrid babies of course.]

A Reptilian guarding the baby nursery made sure that I saw he was carrying a black machine gun of sorts. This Reptilian was beige in color, he engaged with me mentally so closely that it felt as if his body and mine were intertwined, and for a time I could only feel his body and not mine. I thought about feeling uncomfortable with being lost into a Reptilian foreign alien body, but I decided that I can trust these beings, that I can even enjoy getting to feel the flavors of this alien reptilian person's body and mind, even when my own familiar human self would be lost from my awareness for a while. So I let that happen, and I got to feel what he feels, who he is.

Being this beige armed Reptilian guard was a different place. Colder, heartless, void of any emotion, void of the smiles and personality that a human has, but still a living place, with a living being who is someone. I don't mind getting close to the Reptilians.

I told the Reptiles, that humans eat cattle and meat. So I am not one to judge if the Reptiles also eat people. It is the same thing. But I am not entirely heartless. I am sure that I would clasp onto a baby even if it was not mine, and defend it to my death from a Reptile wanting to eat it, if I were really there and with a baby and Reptile. But I would also do the same if a human were trying to attack a goat or a cow to want to eat it. If it were Hamish? I can't say, because you know I would lay my own life down for that Dragon if he were that hungry. I would let him eat me if there was nothing else in the world for him to eat. There is a lot of love in me, I am a human woman and my instincts for protecting babies is stronger than my own will to live, I know that, but somehow I have seen a precious baby in that Dragon Hamish too, somehow my instincts want to defend him also. I would die for him if I had to, without a doubt.

Ever since I learned that Reptilians eat Dinosaurs, I have made an effort not to eat meat, or I have somehow honestly dropped the taste for meat altogether. I don't eat any cow meat, I definitely don't eat pork, I don't eat chicken. I eat fish and seafood, but that's it, and mostly vegan foods. Every time I eat a vegetarian alternative, I think my heart lights up a bit out of my love for the Dinosaurs.

I know that the Reptilians are genuinely cruel and evil. They can kill people without any compassion or remorse. They always talk about how they kill each other, the Dark Lord Colonel even offered to show me his underground base and told me about all the beings that had been killed there. But humans eat meat, and that's the same thing. There is life in Reptilians. There isn't compassion or love in them, but there is life. And I told the beige Reptilian guard that I didn't want him to starve. I love the Reptilians endlessly, but I also love my babies, so as this contact deepens and they let me see and experience more, there could be an impending catastrophe and philosophical dilemma awaiting, that I won't know how to solve.

Genitals

But once the Zetas were in the room with me, they showed me the mental image of what was an adult hybrid male's penis. This one was not small, because some of the males have only tiny appendages. It was shown to me erect and it had a foreskin. I always say that they have a foreskin because, to be honest, I haven't seen many men at all with a foreskin and I know my mind would not have invented a hallucination that had one included. But we are way past the point where I am still wondering if these alien contacts are real or not. We know it's real, it's just. Now I have to deal with the reality of it all.

The hybrids have skin that is white, and their skin looks different than our human skin. Human skin is very thin and you can see blood vessels underneath our skin, and we have hairs and wrinkles all over. The hybrids have skin that is thick and very soft, without any hairs or wrinkles or creases. I actually think they are beautiful as people, their bodies and skin is beautiful compared to humans. The Zetas asked me if I knew what they had shown me. I told them what it was. I said that I wasn't interested.

Sex is a tricky topic for us humans. It can be the most offensive, and hurtful, of topics if used wrongly. But we have to remember that the Zetas don't talk about sex because they want to offend the abductee or because they would want to embarrass with it. The Zetas as a species say they were rendered infertile after a nuclear power accident on their home planet, after which the Zetas had to move under ground and there they, for reasons or another, became modified as a species and ended up losing their fertility. Now they are wanting to borrow human genome into their own genetic material to hopefully get what is a perfect Zeta but with human reproductive ability.

What makes matters difficult is that the Zetas seem to not understand mammalian - or human should we say - intricate psychology and psychiatry about sex. Especially for women, but, I must say, also for men. The Zetas said that human men who are brought there don't want to be seen on their naked privates, when they were looking at my naked privates and I had told them that I was not ashamed if it is seen by them. And then I thought about how aweful it must be for men. We women always think that men just want sex all the time and then it's easy to forget that men can also feel raped and offended by aliens trespassing on their body and sexuality.

The Aliens like to tell me I am a flower in a botanist garden. It is a horrible thing to say because my brain is wired to feel so much emotion related to my genitals, my body sexually, the act of sex or reproduction, pregnancy, babies, breastfeeding, all of it. I have had to reboot my entire sexual and womanly identity several times as a young woman because the aliens are about to send it places where I am not comfortable, so I have to remind myself how I want it to be, remind myself what it means to be a woman, what it means to be touched, what it might mean to have a baby.

Luckily I am a grown mature woman. If I were still a virgin teenager or child being forced into sexual situations with the aliens, it might have been more hurtful. Today, I can handle seeing a naked erect man. I can handle if a black alien creature rapes me for a while. I can handle holding my hybrid babies.

Can you handle me? - Hamish asks
I can always handle Hamish. Hamish is my best friend. - me
Yes, she said Tik Tok to me. - Hamish smiles with his lower and upper eyelids partially closed
I love you Turtle Sock. You and me are friends. Tik, Tok. - me
My pregnancy wasn't mine, she said. - Hamish

I mean, there is so much that could be endlessly hurtful and that could mangle the delicate wiring of a human woman's brain and psychiatric health with what the aliens do. But I am strong. I will get through. I am like a soldier going through a mine field, with this. My goal is to finally meet with the aliens in person and get to fill in the gaps and finally have an understanding in myself. Then I will find peace. Then I can breathe. Then I know. So I have to get through things.

How I handle it, is I decide not to be affected. It is a matter of deciding and making a choice. Sure, so if I am naked with aliens around me, I can choose not to let it affect me. While I was still with the Reptilians I told them that I did not mind if they see me naked, and it is true. The Reptilians don't think of me as "naked", they don't see me that way, like a human would. I don't mind if the Reptilians see me, and that is a fact. They are Reptiles. They don't know what they are looking at.

We are looking at what our snacks come from. - says Hamish and sways his body left and right left and right
Tik Tok. - Hamish
It means, come to me, Tik Tok. - Hamish
Come to Hamish! - Hamish declares with his mouth wide open in a gloomy way
Tik Tok, Turtle Sock. That rhymes. I made a song for you. Tik Tok. - me
My bombs, explosives, were not that. - Hamish shows me a mental image of the pocket watch in the tv series The Walking Dead which Hershel had given to Glenn, I am in Season 5, Hamish thinks of the clock and that it is not an explosive
Sometimes they have clocks. To tell them when to explode and go off. - Hamish about explosives
I don't know about explosives. I don't deal with them Hamish. - me
I can smell that there. And it looks very good. - Hamish is flaring his nostrils because I have used tampons in the paper basket right here next to me, that's another story

So the Zetas were going to see me naked. They are always interested in my female parts mostly. I decided I was not going to be ashamed if they see me naked. After all, it was just the gentle lady Zeta nurse with the apron and my young adult Zeta hybrid daughter, and that little toddler boy of mine who was mostly interested in the toy car that he had on the floor.

My adolescent Zeta hybrid daughter told me that they have made my genitals swell before, that they knew how to make that happen. I told them I don't even know how that's done that is's something I don't know how to do myself. See, so I didn't get upset at what they said. The fact that these "people" have looked at me when I have been naked and unaware and that they have molested me in ways I don't even comprehend, I chose not to be upset. I wanted to meet the aliens, and only by not being upset will I ever do that. They don't want me there if I threaten to murder them, that's for sure. So I decided to let it be.

The nurse or my daughter told me that my genitals look perfectly normal as they should look, and showed me a mental image of it. [ADDED same day: and they said that "it was no accident" that my genitals looked the way they did. And so I told them about Darwinian evolution and natural selection and I said that this has probably been selected for by men or functionality. I asked them if they agreed with natural selection being how things evolve?] I said that's great, what a relief and good to hear that. They said they had seen many many human women's genitals and showed me mental images of some other women's genitalia exposed. As a woman, I hate to say but this is part of the documentary, of course as probably all women I worry about what I look like down there and whether to be embarrassed. Actually a lot of women don't know if they look normal down there and think they're not normal. Maybe men worry like that too about themselves. So it's good to hear from the aliens that I don't look abnormal in any way. So that takes some of the stress away. If everything looks anatomically normal then there is nothing to try to hide or feel ashamed of really, as far as I am concerned.

I know I write a lot of personal details but I think of this as a documentary. 100 years from now when I'm dead these pages will matter. Also a lot of other abductees might be feeling the same. Also I think like a scientist. Everything can be made into science and then it's easy to talk about it, because everything is just facts.

They said they were going to insert a cold instrument into my vagina to extract some eggs with it. They showed me the instrument. It was one of those thick rods that has gray thin wire coiled around the outside of it. The aliens said I have a lot of bacteria in my female parts, they probably meant my uterus. I told them I guess I could try to wash it out but that I didn't know how to solve that. I always thought this was self-cleaning, the body forms peroxides and other things to keep it clean and I had learned that it is best to leave it to self-clean not to disrupt the balance. I asked the aliens to tell me if they knew of something I could buy or how to clean it with what we have available here on Earth.

I don't want to see that. It looks good to me. It looks like my lunch? It was prepared for me better. My, meals! - Hamish thinking about my vagina being covered in blood cause I'm on my period right now, so he talks about it
My, offensive? They told me it was offensive. - Hamish
Who told you that? - me

Hamish responds by hissing. He hisses perhaps out of discomfort, but toward the man who had told him not to talk to me about my period.

It was my wine? - Hamish about blood

I told the aliens last night that they could have some of my blood, if they could safely extract some of it. I told them that some can be taken out of me but if they take too much then I die. I would offer them a blood donation, if they could eat it. Then I thought about it and decided to tell them that only if I personally get to cut a small slit into my finger to bleed some for them and then get some clean bandage then I would let them have some of my blood, because I didn't want to end up on some Reptilian blood sacrifice table if they get carried away, so I'd best do it myself. I don't know that they would have taken me up on my offer.

Period

So I'm on my period again since today. I rarely have it. Maybe cause I've now taken lots of multivitamins and maybe usually I have an iron deficiency. I knew that Hamish would be pleased. I told Hamish about my bloody tampons. He will usually purr and go poke around my waste basket where I put the used ones in. I've put a few in there but only once today when I changed it did he actually come to claim it as his own, and even claim the paper basket which he called a "barrel" as his. I will be sure to tell you if Dragon goes snooping around the paper basket. Usually Snake the Reptile shows up when I'm menstruating to stand right next to the paper basket just to declare that "it smells" in here in this room. I don't know if Snake likes it or not, he seems concerned and upset about the smell.

Usually Hamish waits for me to fall asleep, then he sneaks up to the paper basket to check out the bloody tampons. He can't resist. It is something about blood and Dragons, they like it, so these are like irresistible lollipops. Usually I end up having to make sure I throw the trashbag away down the trash chute so that we can have a restful evening before I go to bed, or otherwise Snake and Hamish will be acting all restless about it.

I am hoping for another fantastic alien encounter for tonight. I would hope that with time, they would feel more courageous of letting me have more and more glimpses and moments with them in the awake state. I want to one day find myself there, fully there, and just get to take it all in, and own my experience.

The lizards, were not many here, that is why we came. - Hamish
We needed to breed with you. - Hamish or Dark Lord
With my, sticks. - Hamish thinks about the bloody tampons in the wastebasket now

I was going to beat with them. With my sticks. - Hamish

The Zetas told me it was too bad I had gotten rid of my quantum physics book, because the book contained information that would have explained how they take me to their spaceship. Just a few days ago I was getting rid of some old college textbooks I had, including quantum physics books. The Zeta was definitely thinking in the wordless language to the quantum physics concept of "tunneling". They use something similar to, or based on, tunneling to get an abductee to a spaceship. The Zetas talked about the process by which they would take me up, I told them yes please I would love to go there consciously. But then they ended up not letting me have a conscious encounter. Of course it is convenient to them to let me stay asleep. I guess they would only let me stay awake if it directly benefits them, like if they want me to interact with my children in a two-way situation which needs me to be awake.

I want to stay awake, so much it hurts. I want to go there and meet Hamish. I want to hug and hold and play with my toddler kids. I want to see everybody. It would be great. In spite of the rapes and molestation.

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